Today I Started Loving You Again
by jezzybellejones
Summary: Pam reflects on the emotionally vicious cycle that is her feelings for Eric, makes a decision, and things start to get real. Started off as a one shot, but now it's fleshing out.
1. Chapter 1

***A/N I'm a big fan of classic country music and I draw a lot of Paric inspiration from it as evidenced by some of my earlier stories. This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been writing more from Eric's POV lately so it's time for one from Pam's perspective. Don't own the song. It's Merle's. Don't own Pam. Don't own Eric. And it's a cruel world.**

Today I started loving you again  
I'm right back where I've really always been  
I got over you just long enough to let my heartache mend  
And then today I started loving you again

Pam sat in front of her vanity mirror and cast a downtrodden sigh as she caught a glimpse of the gorgeous framed photo of Eric that lived on top of her beauty station. His flawless face seemed to haunt her wherever she went; the countless other photos of her maker that littered nearly every surface of her room caused most of it, but even if she wanted to forget, it would forever be Eric's face that filled her mind when she closed her eyes.

She had been enchanted with the Viking vampire God from the moment she had first laid eyes on him on that darkened San Francisco street over a hundred years ago and no matter what she told herself, he would be the one she longed for until the day she met her true death. Every morning before she drifted off to day's death, she told herself that things were over between them and could never be rekindled into what they had once had and that she would be better off trying to move on. And at some point each and every night she fell in love with him all over again.

Take for instance this particular evening. Pam had once again worked herself into falsely believing that she was done loving Eric. She was going to face the night as a new woman with bad intentions on her mind; the hottest person that walked into Fangtasia that night would be HERS…whomever it happened to be. Then shortly before they had opened for the evening, Eric had walked past her and nonchalantly flipped her hair over her shoulder and flashed his patented Eric Northman shit eating grin. The combination of the feel of his fingers lightly grazing her shoulder and the adorable look on his face melted the icy core that she tried hard to keep frozen. Had she been human, she would have been putty in his hands, but Pam had long since grown used to hiding her emotions. It wasn't easy though; it took every bit of vampiric strength that she had in her not to dissolve into a puddle of lust and emotions on the floor. She couldn't be weak though; Eric loved her more when she was cold and heartless.

What a fool I was to think I could get by  
With only these few million tears I've cried  
I guess I should have known the worst was yet to come  
And the crying time for me had just begun

The thoughts she had of finding someone else to fulfill her lustful and loving needs that night had been instantly forgotten. Pam would crawl on her belly in a blazing inferno through barbed wire and broken glass to get to Eric if he gave her any indication that he still loved and desired her the way she loved and desired him, but Eric Northman had done no such thing ever since the day the gap-toothed, slack jawed, hillbilly waitress had sauntered through Fangtasia's front doors with Bill Compton and promptly destroyed her life. It was completely unfathomable to Pam how a creature as magnificent as Eric Northman could be interested in someone as insignificant as Sookie Stackhouse. Pamela was not a woman who was easily baffled, and if she ever solved this particular mystery she was certain that she could solve life's more important ones, like why high end cosmetics never went on sale.

Eric's simple touch nearly had her floating, but his actions soon after had quickly popped her balloon and sent her emotions aimlessly zigzagging around the room. The pathetic blonde breather had dared showed her face in the bar and Eric had nearly torn his ass in his rush to get to her side. Pam had immediately felt anger not only at Sookie for ruining her night, but also at Eric for making her feel second best to the white trash waitress. She certainly deserved better; before Sookie came into the picture Eric had placed no one above his progeny, but those days were long over.

The anger quickly subsided to heartache, and Pamela mentally pushed her tears away. She might have been a broken mess, but she certainly wasn't going to let the entire crowd at Fangtasia see her melt down, let alone Eric and Sookie. So she clung to the only string of dignity she had left as her lifeline and kept herself together until she had retired for the day.

And now, brushing her golden locks out before her day's slumber and looking at the face of the only person she had ever and could ever love, she felt a crimson tear slide its way down her porcelain cheek. This seemed to happen a lot and each day it hurt a little more. She gently lifted Eric's picture up and stared at it for a few moments before placing it face down on the vanity. Scooting her stool out, she slowly walked towards her large, lonely bed. She longed for Eric to come share it with her, but if he insisted on chasing pathetic fairy snatch, she wasn't going to wait on him to come to his senses.

Tomorrow night she would start fresh, or at least she was going to try. The lie she told herself was as damaging to Pam as Eric's infidelity, but it was all she had left to hold on to. It would certainly be short lived, but she had to keep a little pride before she started loving him again. As the sun's rays broke through the horizon, Pam's eyes fell shut and her dreams told her that she was once again kidding herself. She saw his face, and she was a goner.


	2. Chapter 2

***A/N I had intended this to be a stand-alone story dealing with Pam's feelings, but my twin, Katie (aka Hansprincessa), requested that I continue. Eric is going to get his comeuppance for the way he's been acting. It's been a LONG time coming.**

Eric Northman was not a happy vampire. Everything that he had known to be true and good in the world was gone, and it was his own fault. He couldn't help being enchanted with Sookie Stackhouse; fairies were few and far between and something about her intoxicating yet innocent fragrance was addicting. Since the night she had graced Fangtasia's front door with Bill Compton he had been a man possessed; she would be HIS if it was the last thing he ever did.

That night had brought about a noticeable difference in his progeny, though. Pam had been largely unsuccessful in her attempts to hide the hatred and contempt that she felt for Sookie. She hadn't mentioned it to him personally or treated him any differently, but Eric knew that she felt betrayed and forgotten and it was his doing. He supposed that he felt it was okay to go chasing after the fairy because she was just a play thing and sooner rather than later, she'd be gone and nothing more than a fading memory. He had an eternity to live and Pam would always be there waiting, but now he wasn't so sure.

Pamela had been basically living a life of celibacy since Sookie had come into the picture, and for that he was grateful. She would always be HIS, and he wasn't keen on sharing her with anyone, even if he strayed, and he was beginning to see how entirely unfair that was. He wasn't sure she would have moved on even had he given her his blessing, but Eric knew that her patience and trust had worn thin, and he had caused it. He should have been prepared for the day that she would seek solace in someone else, but for it to be Alcide Herveaux was like a stake through the heart.

He had long considered the werewolf a friend, and was pleasantly surprised to see him show up at Fangtasia. He was less pleasantly surprised to see Pam saunter over him and strike up a conversation. She was HIS. What in hell was she doing flirting with a wolf? Alcide was better smelling than most weres, but he still gave off that were SCENT that was disgusting to vamps. There was nothing at all pleasant about the way he felt a little later when Alcide and Pam had slipped off to somewhere a little more private. It took every bit of restraint that Eric had not to go rip Alcide's head off and stake Pamela simultaneously.

Eric's conscience got the better of him when he realized that this must be the way Pam felt each and every time he fell all over himself to get to Sookie. Paybacks sure were a bitch. He was confident that Pam's sudden taste for wolf would be a one-time thing, but that confidence was shattered when Alcide returned the following night and the night after that, and even more so when Pam had ventured some place with him on her night off. The jealousy ate Eric alive; he could easily arrange Alcide's death, but Pam would know who had done it and he wouldn't be doing himself any favors. He needed to get creative.

Eric was certain that if Sookie magically fell into a vat of acid or got fed to the alligators in the bayou that Pam would let Alcide go and fall right back into his arms, though she'd probably be pissed that she wasn't the one that dealt death to the fairy. Could Eric destroy the thing he desired most? Yes. Yes he could, because the thing that he thought that he desired most at the moment had destroyed the thing that mattered most always. It was the only way to make things right. All children eventually grew tired of their toys, and it was time for Eric to toss out his play thing…. to the gators. He had to get his Pamela back. Pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing his best assassin, his mind was made up.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Here it comes y'all. Hope you enjoy it **

"And just where do you think you're going, Pamela?" Eric asked as Pam was about to slip out Fangtasia's backdoor.

"My whereabouts are no longer your concern." Pam replied dryly. "Don't you have fairy snatch to be chasing?"

"Watch your tone, missy." Eric replied. "I am STILL your maker."

"So you're still my maker all of a sudden?" Pamela questioned.

"I've ALWAYS been your maker, and as your maker, I command you to come with me." Eric answered.

"Fuck!" Pam exclaimed. "I have plans with Alcide tonight."

"Not anymore you don't." Eric said, taking her by the arm and ushering her out the door and to his waiting Corvette.

"Eric, I'm not in the mood for your fuckery." Pam deadpanned.

"Oh, I think you'll be in the mood for more than fuckery after this." Eric smirked.

"This had better be good because you just fucked up a good fuck." Pam snapped.

"Come on, now Pam." Eric teased. "I know he's not the best you've ever had."

"Maybe he isn't." Pam replied. "But he's pretty damn close…. Why are we going to Bon Temps? I'm in NO mood to be anywhere near Super Snatch."

TRUST ME." Eric insisted. "You're going to want to see this."

"FINE." Pam answered and sank back in her seat angrily. "I hope this goes quickly so I can get back to my DATE."

Eric didn't reply to her goading, instead opting to drive in silence. Pam stared silently out the window, refusing to look at Eric. Sex with Alcide was fantastic and she was sorry to be missing it. She briefly entertained the idea that she might be developing feelings for the werewolf but quickly pushed the thought out of her head. Even though Eric was an inconsiderate, selfish, bastard, she was tickled that he had insisted that she come with him to wherever they were going.

Finally Eric stopped the car down by the swamp, turned off the engine, and got out. Pam reluctantly followed him.

"Eric, I am NOT walking down to the water. I'll be damned if I ruin another pair of… what is Henderson doing here?" She asked, puzzled.

"Just watch." Eric replied with a grin.

Pam's eyes grew wider by the second as she watched Henderson pull Sookie's lifeless, chloroformed, body out of the trunk of his car and wrap it in a plastic tarp. She suppressed a squeal as he dragged her closer to the bayou and finally heaved her into the water. No longer able to conceal her excitement, she bounced up and down giddily as Henderson threw a bag of marshmallows in the water, and as three or four large alligators popped up out of the water and dragged Sookie's corpse under water, Pamela Swynford DeBeaufort fell to the ground in a fit of laughing, not caring that she had just ruined a Chanel skirt.

Eric watched Pam's overjoyed reaction to Sookie's demise with a satisfied grin. Finally he gently got hold of her elbow and lifted her off the ground.

"I told you that you'd enjoy this." He said with a smirk.

Pam wiped away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks from laughter and looked at Eric with a wide smile on her face. "YOU did this?"

Eric nodded. "Yes. It was me."

Pam looked puzzled. "You did this for ME? I thought you LOVED Sookie."

Eric's face straightened. "I thought I did, yes, but then I realized what my obsession was costing me."

Tears once again streamed down Pam's face, but not from laughter this time.

"Eric… I don't know what to say."

"Say you forgive me and you'll come home with me so we can start fresh." Eric replied, his lips grazing the side of her face.

Pam fell into deep thought and Eric was having difficulty reading her face. Finally she swallowed and began to answer him.

"Eric… you don't know how much it means to me that you destroyed Sookie for me. It's the most flattering thing that you've ever done for me, and I appreciate it more than you could ever know. But…"

"But what?" Eric asked.

"But for the past year and a half the way you disregarded everything that we've had for a hundred years. You've broken me beyond repair, and I can't just forget all the heartache and tears. I've tried to move on, and I'm rather fond of Alcide."

"You don't love him more than me." Eric interjected.

"I didn't say that, Eric, because OF COURSE I DON'T." She replied. "But I just need time to think before I jump right back into fawning over your every word and worshipping the ground you walk on."

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Pam." Eric said as his heart fell. "I'll never do it again. You're my everything."

"I used to believe that, Eric." Pam told him. "But things are different now. Feeding Sookie to the alligators was a nice touch, but it's going to take more than that before we're right again. Just…. PLEASE. Give me a little time."

With that, Pam sped off back towards Shreveport. Eric punched the side of his Corvette, leaving a large dent. He briefly considered summoning her back to him, but quickly realized that forcing her to his side right now would likely cause more damage. He was just going to have to give her the time she needed. And get romantic. Killing Sookie had been a start in the right direction, but Pam deserved to be wooed. And woo her he would; he'd be DAMNED if she wasn't HIS again soon.


	4. Chapter 4

***A/N This story has been a delight to write. I'm a little sad to see it end, but this little one shot turned multi-chapter fic is over. Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed. It means a lot to me and anybody that writes. I hope you enjoy this!**

Pam slipped quietly in the front door shortly before the impending dawn and sunlight would put a quick end to her life and silently slid down against it as tears streamed down her pretty face. Tonight had been one fucked up roller coaster of emotions. She was thrilled that Eric had finally realized that Sookie would never be more than a passing fancy and flattered that HE had taken the initiative to rid the fairy nuisance from their lives. She was ELATED that Sookie Stackhouse was now filling the bellies of several hungry alligators. Things weren't okay though, and she didn't know if they would ever be right again.

She hadn't gone to see Alcide when she had left Eric in Bon Temps. She had sent him a text saying that she had gotten tied up at Fangtasia and would gladly see him another night. Pam had grown surprisingly fond of the werewolf and felt bad for lying to him, but she was not emotionally ready to see anyone tonight. Her feelings were all over the place; she would love Eric forever, but she hated him for what he had put her through. She was glad that he wanted to start fresh and make things right again, but was it too little too late? She LIKED the wolf quite a bit… even ENJOYED his company, and Pamela didn't like or enjoy many people. She could have sex with Alcide and enjoy it with every fiber of her being, but she could never make love to Alcide because Alcide wasn't Eric. Eric… everything tracked back to him.

Finally pulling herself from her sobbing position on the floor, Pam sauntered over to the couch and dramatically flounced on it. Feeling something hard underneath her head, she immediately shot back up into a sitting position. Reaching beside her for the offending object, she pulled it into her view and gasped; in her hand was a small wooden jewelry box that Eric had given her shortly after she had been turned. She had thought it to be lost years ago in one of their many moves, but quickly realized that Eric had taken it back from her, for reasons that were unclear. She gently lifted the lid and found nothing but a white note written in his familiar script. On it were only two words; _Come upstairs._ Pam wasn't sure that she was ready to see Eric just yet, but for him to go to such lengths, he must have really needed to speak to her, so she obliged him and slowly headed towards her bedroom.

Cautiously opening the door, she saw nothing out of the ordinary and no signs of Eric, until she glanced at her bed and saw a robe that she had not laid eyes on in over one hundred years. It was the same silk garment that she had been wearing when she made the decision to end her life and Eric had made the decision to give her another one. Letting her fingers gently graze the antique silk, she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Eric's deep voice whisper from behind her.

"I'm glad you found it."

Pam turned around quickly and faced her maker. "Eric… is this the robe from when…"

"Sure looks like it." Eric, ever the smart ass, interjected.

Rolling her eyes, Pamela replied to him. "I can't believe you kept it… and stole my jewelry box."

"It's the only souvenir I have of the most important night of my life." Eric answered. "Even with blood gushing down your arms, you were the most magnificent creature I had ever seen wearing it. When you rose from your grave the next night with that very robe on, I realized that all of my journeys, every day that I had lived, and every step I had taken… I had been taking them towards you. You were meant to be mine."

Pam once again felt tears stream down her cheeks and couldn't keep herself from sending an adoring gaze towards Eric. She had no words, and just listened to him continue.

"Pamela… I know that I've broken your heart and treated you quite badly recently. I even fooled myself into thinking that I was in love with another woman. The other night when I saw you with Alcide I first felt jealousy, as would any man in my position. Then I thought "Damn. I think I just started loving her again." It didn't take me long to realize though, that there was no loving you AGAIN. I never stopped. It's you, Pam. It's always been YOU."

Eric's declaration of love cleared all the doubt that was clouding Pam's heart and she immediately flung herself into his arms and began covering him in kisses; his neck, his cheeks, his chin, his nose, his eyes, and finally his lips. When she finally got control of herself again she finally managed to whisper into his ear, "I've been yours since the minute we first locked eyes. I'll be yours until the rivers flow backwards and the sun falls out of the sky. And you are MINE."


End file.
